A sad girls guide to turning 30

I’ve always been a secret sad girl. Maybe it was the series of unfortunate events that brought me to the US (cough, war, cough) or the fact that for four years of my childhood I lived with relative strangers. Or maybe it was the fact that, at 10, I moved to a new city with my mother who was a stranger at that point, was only a series of letters and well wishes, and two peculiar visits. Or it might have been moving from a small town to Staten Island, or it could have been the subsequent move from a diverse place to being the only black girl in my entire grade. It could have been the subsequent move away from the town, or the precarity of my adolescence. Whatever ‘it’ was, I’ve always been a secret sad girl. So, color me surprised that I not only managed to create a lovely life, but have people in it that reciprocate that love and respect. When you feel irreconcilably broken for most of your life, it’s easy to imagine all the pieces are refuse; that the makings of you is so damaged, and too sharp for others to carry. Hell, it’s challenging to carry yourself! Who would have imagined that others would see your shattered vessel and think, “totally worthy”? And yet… here I am.

I’ve spent an exorbitant amount of energy working on parts of myself. Going to therapy, reading books, and giving people in my life the benefit of the doubt; even when everything is telling me to still keep everyone at an arm’s length. Through this period of self-reflection, there have been opaque moments of doubt. Moments where, as I try to create a mosaic from all the shards that won’t remake a chalice anymore, I’m cut my some part of my sadgirlness that reminds me to take care. Moments where I find myself questioning everything I’ve worked hard to re-imagine, just to feel as thought it is all for naught. But, through the muck and the mire, I’m forging forward.

So, on the precipice of the next decade of my life, I’m spending time reflecting on the new pieces I get to incorporate into the mosaic of my humanness. I’m taking all the weird pieces of the last 30 years and making room for another 30, or 40, or 50 years of memories, mistakes, and moments of clarity.
Anyway, here’s a soundtrack for you. I picked 30 songs that I feel represent all the best and worst parts of my sad girlhood. The playlist goes in chronological order- from weird childhood, to misanthropic adolescence, to early adulthood, to now. So here’s to entering doleful womanhood- where I get cool colored lipstick and can brunch on the weekends!

Sad girl’s guide to adulthood playlist (31 songs, cuz I couldn’t find that Whitney/Brandy song on the Spotify):
Part of your world- the little mermaid
Once Upon a December- Anastasia (Performed by Liz Callaway)
Waterfalls- TLC
The beautiful people- Marilyn Manson
Freak on a Leash- Korn
War? – System of a Down
For Good– Kristin Chenoweth and Idina Menzel  (From Wicked)
All or Nothing- O Town
But not Tonight- Depeche Mode
Kings of the Wild Frontier- Adam & The Ants
King of Carrot Flowers, Pt. 1- Neutra milk Hotel
Tender- Blur
Lose my Breath- My bloody Valentine
Evergreen- the Brian Jonestown Massacre
Dead Road 7- The Kills
This Modern Love- Bloc Party
Young Adult Fiction- The Pains of Being Pure at Heart
Roads- Portishead
Portions for Foxes- Rilo Kiley
Nicotine & Gravy- Beck
The Great Golden Baby- Circa Survive
Miss Misery- Elliott Smith
Ambulance- TV on the Radio
Overcome- Laura Mvula
Bag lady- Eryka badu
Blessings (reprieve)- Chance the Rapper
Little Bubble- Dirty Projectors
Edge of Desire- John Mayer
Provider- Frank Ocean
20 Something- SZA

One Comment Add yours

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s